One Last Good-Bye

So many of you have asked, “So how do you feel about going home?” Here is what I have come up with….

How am I feeling about going home…ah, such a complex question and quite honestly the answer changes daily. For starters, I can’t believe that I’m coming home…this kind of seems like my new life here…so it’s odd to even think that I have to go back to the States. After being here so long I’ve grown accustomed to everything that is around me, and this is my new home. It’s hard to think about how things are going to be when I get back to the States because it is going to be so different. Are my friends going to still be the same? Will I feel left out? What will they expect of me when I get back? Will we start off where we left off? What friendships do I cherish and which could I live without? Who do I really care for? Why? I went through culture shock when I came here and now I feel like I’m going to go through culture shock again leaving. Why are Americans this way? Why can’t we do things this way? Will I be hungry at 6pm anymore? Why can’t I go to the bar at 2pm and just do homework while having a glass of wine? There are obvious differences and things that I like better here or there. As of right now, it doesn’t seem real that I am leaving, and leaving so soon at that.

I’ve been here for three and a half months, three and a half whole months. Which brings me to question, what have I done with my time in Spain? Did I spend it well? What would I have done differently? What can I still do? I think that on this trip I have learned more about myself, about my abilities, and about others than I would have imagined. And with this said, I think that I am going to start to notice the changes and my strengths and weaknesses when I return to the States. Will I be able to bring back my “Spanish mentality” with me? Will I change back to who I was? Will I stay the same or will I end up a mixture of the two? There have been times when all I wanted to do was to go home, to make a phone call, to change the culture, to be there for a friend, to give up, to say “I can’t”…but I haven’t been able to.

The things in life that are most important to me, are the things that I take for granted everyday. I take for granted the ability to give a friend a hug when they are having a bad day…being able to check my e-mail frequently… to talk to friends on a daily basis…to buy a tub of ice cream…to watch movies with friends…to have a shoulder to cry on… the ability to explain myself…my education…my family…my abilities… talents… dreams…I take for granted all of the little things that my friends and family do for me on a regular basis…I take for granted the ability to make someone laugh, to have an intelligent conversation, to take a leadership role. Most of these things I do on a regular basis in the States, but here each one of these things becomes complicated. For example, I went to the library to do research for a paper. Four hours later when I was frustrated and without any information, it hit me. I took for granted being able to use a library, to ask the right questions, to search for the right books, hell to even be able to check out books…everything becomes a challenge in which all of the little things add up. Life is filled with little things and until you are put in a highly self dependent state, you don’t know how much one question, one problem or one instance can change a series of events and can become the most important thing in your world at that moment.

It hasn’t been the easiest time here, but through the hard times I’ve learned about myself. I’ve become even more self dependent, more confident, more aware of my surroundings, more relaxed, more optimistic, more spontaneous, more dependent on my communication skills, more opinionated, and more open to new ideas and experiences. These are only a handful of things that have changed and I continue to grow and change each day. I’m not quite sure that I can see the change from my perspective but from others, I know that the changes are there.

Why not be happy in life? Why do things that don’t make you happy? Why not surround yourself with amazing people who will lift you up rather than bring you down? Life is too short to not take chances, to get lost, to go on adventures, to see the good in people, to push yourself to the limit, to share yourself with others and to be who you want to be.

Quite honestly I’m a little scared to come home…but excited all at the same time.

So to answer the dreaded question…I’m feeling indifferent and emotional about coming home. If only the physicality of the trip back was what I had to worry about, I’d be fine. But that’s not anywhere near what I have to prepare myself for. Emotionally, physically, psychologically…I’m going to be a wreck. Torn between two worlds with an overload of family, friends, memories, familiar surroundings, and the normal but monotonous and comfortable lifestyle of the States…the things that I’ve been missing, anticipating, loathing…are all going to hit me at once. But would I change my decision or trade my experiences abroad for anything? …not a chance.